I daydream a lot, and just yesterday I was dreaming that I was this professor, sitting in my posh office, checking my emails. They have been pouring in ever since the day I staged a blustering performance of a speech, replete with rhetorical flourishes and a well–timed smirk. Some of them are quite nasty, insinuating that I am a repressed lesbian, and these I ignore. But there are some which I thought warranted my attention. I present to you now, a selection of the sagely advice I dispensed to those who had heard my speech, based on the logic that was on abundant display when I was at the podium.

Dear Dr Alfian,

In your speech you said, “‘Conservative’ here is not a dirty word connoting backwardness; environmental conservation protects our habitat; the moral ecology must be conserved to protect what is precious and sustains a dynamic, free and good society.”

I happen to like trees very much. I have been supporting conservation causes for a long time now, especially of our floral heritage. But at the same time, I consider myself a liberal. In fact I was one of those who had signed the ‘repeal 377a’ petition.

I believe environmental conservation is a good cause, and something that we all can agree with. But being ‘conservative’ is not a universal good. To use your argument, that’s like saying, ‘liberation’ is better than ‘imprisonment’, and therefore all liberal values are the best. Could you please enlighten me on your slippery usage of the terms ‘conservative’ and ‘conservation’?

Ans: You signed the ‘repeal 377a’ petition? Are you gay? If you are, don’t let me hear of you straying anywhere near the Botanic Gardens. If you so much as wear your pink T–shirt there, I’ll make sure the police start swarming the place before you even have time to put down your picnic basket.

Dear Dr Alfian,

You mentioned that “Race is a fixed trait. It remains controversial whether homosexual orientation is genetic or environmental, perhaps both. There are no ex–Blacks but there are ex–gays. The analogy between race and sexual orientation or preferred sexual preferences, is false.” And then later you say “Singapore law only recognizes racial and religious minorities.” But I think religion is a choice too. There are ex–Christians, for example. So how come religion is given protection under the constitution, but not sexual orientation?

Ans: That’s because religion is the right choice. Homosexuality is the wrong choice. It’s as simple as that. Who decides what’s right or wrong? Well, as you can tell from my speech, the answer is equally simple. Me.

Dear Dr Alfian,

I am a straight woman who has been married for five years. I refer to your comment: “Women’s groups should note that where homosexuality was celebrated, women were relegated to low social roles; when homosexuality was idealized in Greece, women were objects not partners, who ran homes and bore babies. Back then, whether a man had sex with another man, woman or child was a matter of indifference, like one’s eating preferences. The only relevant category was penetrator and penetrated; sex was not seen as interactive intimacy, but a doing of something to someone. How degrading.”

Dr Alfian, on some nights, my husband insists that I have sex with him, even when I am not in the mood. He often asks me to perform oral sex on him, even though I hate the taste (he doesn’t clean himself very well) and I will often make choking noises just to show him how much I don’t like it. When I heard you talk about ‘a doing of something to someone’, I thought to myself, that’s me! And it’s degrading. Where is that ‘interactive intimacy’ you talked about? Why is this happening to me? I don’t live in ancient Greece, I live in a country where homosexuality is not celebrated, where it is in fact illegal!

Ans: Already this is happening to you when we have 377a. Can you imagine what will happen when it’s actually repealed? Your husband will not only make you perform oral sex on him. He will make you have sex with your own daughter as he fists the family dog. You see, once you allow homosexuality free reign in the land, all other things will follow: bestiality, pedophilia, incest. Did I tell you he will make you rim the dog after he’s finished fisting it?

Dear Dr Alfian,

I am a 15–year–old student in a boy’s school. In your speech you said, “This August, I had my own experience with this sort of hysterical attack. I received an email from someone I never met, full of vile and obscene invective which I shall not repeat, accusing me of hatemongering. It cursed me and expressed the wish to defile my grave on the day 377A was repealed. I believe in free debate but this oversteps the line. I was distressed, disgusted, upset enough to file a police report. Does a normal person go up to a stranger to express such irrational hatred?”

Dr Alfian, this August too, a group of my classmates found my diary and read it aloud in class. I had written that I had crush on one of the prefects in my school. After reading it, they started calling me names, which I will repeat here: ‘sissy’, ‘ar kwa’, ‘bapok’, ‘pondan’, ‘faggot’, ‘homo’, ‘cocksucker’, ‘spermeater’ and just recently, thanks to you, ‘rimmer’ and ‘assholelicker’. Can I file a police report? Does a normal person go up to someone like me to express such irrational hatred?

Ans: My dear boy, normal people do that to someone who is abnormal. If you look closely at my speech, you will see the words that I have used to describe someone like you. They include ‘immoral’, ‘dishonoured’, ‘a human wrong’, ‘gender identity disorder’, ‘moral repugnancy’, ‘promiscuity’, ‘hedonism’, ‘narcissism’, ‘undesirable’, ‘sexual licentiousness’, ‘culture of lust’, ‘selfish’, ‘hurtful’, and ‘liberal fundamentalist’ (I coined this last one myself. You see, it’s usually people like me who are called fundamentalist, but because I am a very clever law professor I can turn words around and play the victim instead. I do the same thing with ‘homosexual dogma’ and ‘militant activists’).

Forget about filing that police report. You are a 15–year old student, and not a law professor who can use words like ‘distressed, disgusted and upset’. Instead, you should look up the words I have just listed above in the dictionary. The next time your friends decide to call you a faggot, maybe you can suggest that they call you a ‘morally repugnant gender–disordered thing’ instead.

Dear Dr Alfian,

Thank you so much for your speech on the dangers of gay anal sex. I am a straight man who has been pounding my girlfriend up her chocolate chute (pardon the expression) for the past three years. Her other chute (again, pardon my expression) is kind of loose and furthermore, after five abortions, I am afraid of ejaculating inside her again. So anal sex has been the solution to our sexual happiness. I was quite concerned though that you mentioned how the anus is this place that is not supposed to be penetrated. I understand that with the amendments to the penal code, anal sex will be legal for straight people, but not gay people. What can explain this discrepancy? Is anal sex really safer for straights?

Ans: It is true. Women don’t defecate. They eject little plastic–coated pellets. Which are pink.

Dear Dr Alfian,

I really like your hair! Where do you get it done?

Ans: The day I let my follicles touched by a hairdresser will be the end of the world as we know it. Don’t you know how many gay hairdressers there are? What if they put their radical gay agenda into the shampoo they use on my scalp? Haven’t you heard of brainwashing?

To answer your question, my mother cuts my hair for me.

Dear Dr Alfian,

I have read somewhere that you’re a lawyer specializing in human rights. Is that true? How can a human rights lawyer be so violently opposed to equal rights for gay people?

Ans: Welcome to Singapore.