Last Friday, I was having tea with a couple of friends at his beautiful Golden Mile apartment, when he suddenly mentioned an unfamiliar acronym.

‘He was definitely one of those PWP’s.’

‘What’s a PWP?’ I asked.

‘People With Problems.’

Coming from someone with a civil society background, the acronym was somewhat both apt and sarcastic. The language often used in social work, for example, would substitute ‘high–risk youths’ for ‘delinquents’ and ‘ex–offenders’ for ‘people with criminal records’. ‘People With Problems’, as much as it extended some Oprah–nodding sympathy, could also barely hide a sardonic sneer.

It’s a common enough complaint: Why are there so many screwed up men in the gay dating circle? Of course said complaint is often thrown up by those frustrated by their lack of progress in their romantic endeavours. But is there a grain of truth in the observation? Are there certain ‘types’ to be avoided in the gay dating circuit, to prevent premature jadedness and for the sake of one’s psychological well–being?

So my friends and I decided to come up with a list. A disclaimer: the list is not exhaustive, and though some of the ‘types’ we have identified are exclusive to gay people, many have their equivalents in the straight world. And here, tongue firmly in cheek, we present to you, in no particular order, our top seven list of ‘People With Problems’.

1) The Keeper of the Flame

Ever wanted to try out a threesome but felt that you weren’t really that sexually adventurous? This particular type offers you the opportunity to have one–emotionally, at least. Be prepared to be constantly compared to this person’s ex, as soft focus nostalgia basically erases all the latter’s faults and turns him into the kind of saint you’d never hold a candle to. Intimate moments will be periodically interrupted by wistful sighs of ‘he and I used to...’ and ‘he once told me...’ etc. People who bungee jump from the Himalayan peaks have shorter rebounds.

2) The One On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

It started with him reading your SMS’es one day. But a relationship is all about mutual trust and transparency, right? So in the spirit of openness, you forgive him, and that’s when he takes it like he’s received a new Bond assignment. He logs on to your online profile and reads the profile of every guy who’s sent you a heart. He goes on IRC one night and initiates a chat with you, pretending he’s someone else. He’ll leave his side of the bed in the middle of the night to read your e–mails. The dating game for him is a data–mining game. Unless you think that cloak–and–dagger shenanigans spice up every relationship, avoid this type at all costs. He thinks the Cold War isn’t over yet.

3) The Cloning Clone

He tells you that you should go to the gym with him. His face positively glows with parental pride when you finally get your six–pack. Before you know it, you’re wearing the same clothes as him, possibly in the same sizes, because your body’s about the same proportions as his already. And then he goes on to subtly dictate your music taste, your social circle, and when you raise your unease at how much he’s colonizing your life he says, ‘oh, but we’re so much more matching like this.’ Fair enough, but you can’t help but feel the reason for your existence is because he can’t screw the mirror. Narcissus drowned when he fell in love with his own reflection, so why should guys like him have it any easier?

4) The One Who Could Do With Some Emotional Viagra

He starts off intense, passionate, sweeping you off your feet. In the ensuing weeks you feel like you’ve been swept under the rug. The torrent turns trickle: phonecalls sputter down to terse remarks and spaced–out intervals; he used to respond in seconds to your bat–signal, but now there’s a vague, annoying ‘I’m busy’ firewall you keep bumping into. He can’t offer you any real reasons for the tapering off–he hasn’t met anyone new nor has his other commitments been overwhelming him of late. He’ll helpfully inform you that he’s ‘you know, more a sprinter than a marathon runner’. But you know better–he just can’t keep it up on his side, and if it goes soft it’s really not your fault.

5) The Warden

Each time you hang out with anyone other than him, he expects to be informed. Your phone effectively becomes his very own surveillance camera, as you type in absurd sentences like ‘I am now at my grandma’s house, watching TV. My grandma is sleeping. I miss you also.’ When you reply to an SMS a little later than five minutes, it’s sufficient cause for him to call for an island–wide manhunt. The next time he messages you and asks you to report strength, just type back, ‘I’m tired’. Then go get yourself another phone.

6) The One Who Makes You Feel Like Satan

Often of a religious bent, this one will have sex with you, only to weep afterwards while you’re showering. The tell–tale sign is that look of mortification on his face during the climax, the one that basically yells out ‘What have I done?’ Pillow talk will include topics like his oppressive guilt, how he’s lapsed, how he needs to resist his carnal urges the next time–sometimes this kind of pillow talk is foreplay for a second round of tortured hellfire–singed lovemaking. When he peaks and goes ‘Oh God, Oh God’, you know you’re in for a long, long night.

7) The ‘Discreet’ One

This is the guy who actually takes pride in being in the closet; he’s probably decorated it and lugged in a sofa. And lamp. For him, it’s anathema if you’re ‘in the scene’, which by his definition means that you’ve been to the Tanjong Pagar circuit twice. Just short of being an internal homophobe, he’ll take pride in the fact that he walks around in a striped polo tee with upturned collar, and turns his nose up at Madonna. He has a problem with your ‘gay–gay friends’, to be distinguished from the ‘straight–gay’ types like him. Will fall into depression if he manages to set off anyone’s gaydar. The only saving grace: uptight, anal–retentive nature makes him a very good bottom.